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Rector's Blog: When I Don't Want to Believe

This blog is also available as a podcast

I’m not all that interested in having faith. I’m not. Yes, I lead a faith community. Yes, I believe in Jesus. Yes, I’m a Christian. But if I’m going to be honest with you, I have to tell you that I don’t like this faith thing. And my reasoning for this is simple enough: I prefer certainty. I don’t want to believe things – I want to know them. I don’t want to believe in Jesus: I want to see Jesus, touch his scars like Thomas did. I don’t want to believe in life after death. I want to know it’s verifiably real. I want God to show up at a nationally broadcast Bengals game and say, “Hey, everyone! It’s me: God!” So we can all see and know God is God and stop having to believe it. And while we’re at it, I hope it’s a home game, so I can get down there and see for myself.

There’s a line in Scriptures that says faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. I just cannot tell you how much I don’t want this to be true. I don’t want to hope for things, and I don’t want to have conviction in unseen things.

For many years this was a big stumbling block for any kind of religious pursuit for me. I believed in God, but I didn’t want to believe in God: I wanted to prove God’s existence and get it over with. At that time it seemed pretty clear to me that loving my enemy and praying for those who persecute me and turning the other cheek and giving money away without any desire for reimbursement, and forgiving without reservation and loving without condition would all be much more doable if I knew without a doubt that there was a God and that God unquestionably wanted me to do these things. I was prepared to be obedient if God was prepared to convince me.

This desire for certainty is not confined to religion. I want to know that my kids are going to be ok – that all three of them are going to survive growing up, and that they’ll find their way in the world. I don’t want to hope it – I want to know it. I want to know that my wife and I are going to celebrate our 50th anniversary someday, and I want to know that you’ll be there to celebrate it with us. And I want to know that this country I love so much and this church I love so much will still be around. I don’t want to have faith. I want certainty. I want to know.

And it is at this point that it occurs to me: I don’t get to know much of anything. I can almost hear the God I believe in saying that to me: You don’t get to know, Phil. You. Don’t. Get. To. Know. And if the God I believe in isn’t real, it’s still true. There’s so much of my life I do not get to know. So much of it comes back to my beliefs, my hopes, my convictions - the way I act in the face of the unseen.

This, then, is faith: Faith is how I respond to the uncertainty. Faith is the decision to believe that love and mercy and beauty and justice are the truth of us. Faith is also the decision to live into the things I believe. Let me say a little more about what I mean there: 22 years ago I realized I believed in God. I did not decide to believe in God, I realized it was something I believed. That’s not the faith part. The faith part came when I decided to trust that belief and live as if it were true.

Faith is just part of the deal. You have come to believe certain things, and you have decided to live as if those things were true. It’s not confined to religion. Rather, faith is a fundamental underpinning of our daily lives. And yet, the thing about faith is nobody seems to think they have enough. It’s like we all live with two baseline assumptions: 1. Faith is important and 2: I don’t have enough of it.

Whenever I talk with people about faith – and I do that a lot – I hear confessions that people don’t actually think they have enough faith. Maybe that’s you. Maybe you’re one of the people who says to me, “I don’t go to church enough.” And, hey, you’re right, you don’t. I’ll see you on Sunday. But I’ll tell you this: The people who are there every Sunday also don’t believe they have enough faith. This sense of spiritual inferiority is deeply ingrained.

And it’s not a new dilemma. It’s been going on for ages. Once, when Jesus was describing to his disciples the things they’d need to do to follow him – you know, things like forgive people and love people and admit when they’re wrong and ask for forgiveness when they hurt others – their response was to plead, “Increase our faith!” In other words, if you want us to live lives of love, we’re going to need more faith. One man came to Jesus asking him to heal his son. Jesus said, “Believe it.” And the desperate dad had the best response I can imagine – especially when I read it in the old English, “Lord, I believe: Help thou mine unbelief!”

Isn’t this us? Isn’t this our response to the uncertainty life keeps throwing our way? Fine, I can deal with the uncertainty if you’ll just give me more faith that it’s going to work out. I can deal with being told to believe if you’ll just help me get rid of all this unbelief.

In the story, Jesus doesn’t teach the man how to believe better. Jesus heals his son. And in the story, Jesus doesn’t increase the disciples’ faith. He tells them if they had faith the size of a mustard seed they could move mountains.

Now, let’s stay right here for a moment: Because often Jesus’ response is interpreted as an admonition: As if Jesus is saying, if only you had even a mustard seed of faith.

But I don’t buy that. These disciples have quit their jobs and left their families and followed Jesus. Literally. That means they’ve been faithful. I don’t think Jesus is calling them faithless. I think he’s saying, whatever faith they need to live lives of Love – they’ve already got it. They don’t need more faith. They need to accept that the faith they currently have is actually enough.

What if you believed that? You think you don’t have enough faith? What if you do? Next week I’m going to write more about how we understand the faith we have. But in the meantime, what if you – who have decided to live your life as if love and mercy are real, as if beauty and justice are possible – what if you are being faithful right now? What if when Jesus referred to us as people “of little faith” that little faith was enough? What if, just for today, you let go of judging yourself as incomplete, and just accepted that whatever belief is kicking around within you is incredibly beautiful and holy?


Tags: Rector's Blog

Sermons

  • Mar 20 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    The Present Past
  • Mar 12 | Tym House
    Direct Access to Grace
  • Mar 6 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Being Righteous
  • Feb 27 | The Rev. Melanie W. J. Slane
    Two Sides of the Same Coin
  • Feb 20 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Superman Transfigured

Rector's Blog

  • Mar 24 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Rector's Blog, When God Feels Like It
  • Mar 17 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Rector's Blog, But Through Me
  • Mar 10 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Rector's Blog, Conversions - Part 2
  • Mar 3 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Rector's Blog, Conversions - Part 1
  • Feb 24 | The Rev. Philip DeVaul
    Rector's Blog, Better Not Easier

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2944 Erie Ave. · Cincinnati, OH 45208
(513) 321-6700
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The Episcopal Church of the Redeemer
2944 Erie Ave.
Cincinnati, OH 45208

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Welcome Children Service Times Membership Contact Us

Welcome to Church of the Redeemer! We invite and welcome ALL to join us in worship and community. In addition to worship, we have a vibrant music community, a fun and welcoming community for children and youth, plus offerings for everyone from young adults to seniors, covering many varied interests.

The Rev. Philip DeVaul, Rector

WHAT WE BELIEVE

We love children, and children love Church of the Redeemer!

Children are at the heart of life at Church of the Redeemer. Children learn about the word of God through our Children's Christian Education programs; they are involved in worship services, they play music in our services, and they form lifelong friendships with each other through their experiences.

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On Sundays we have an 8:00 am Holy Eucharist, Rite I service, a 9:00 am Holy Eucharist, Rite II service (which is also livestreamed), an 11:00 am Banquet Eucharist service and a 5:00 pm Celtic Eucharist service.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we offer Morning Prayer on our Online Worship Podcast.

On Wednesdays, we offer Holy Eucharist, Rite II at 6:00 pm in the Chapel.

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The community of the Episcopal Church of the Redeemer welcomes you! We are glad that you have chosen to explore your faith here and hope that this document can answer some of the questions you may have about Church of the Redeemer. We seek to be an open, inviting community. Our invitation to you is to join us as we grow in faith and reach out in love to others. At Church of the Redeemer we are always seeking to know Jesus and grow in love. We hope that in whatever ministries you undertake will strengthen your relationship with him through your ministry and fellowship here.

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PARKING: Parking is on the street. Please pay attention to the signs indicating proper parking zones. Handicapped parking is available in the front on Erie, in the back parking lot, and on the south side of Raymar.

ACCESSIBLE REDEEMER: The front entrance has a ramp and there is an elevator inside the back door and to the left. Accessible restrooms are located in the Lobby inside the front entrance.


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Flowers in our holy worship spaces are a beautiful gift to God and those who attend services at Church of the Redeemer as well as those being honored or remembered. A contribution to the Flower Fund is a meaningful way to honor or remember a loved one for special life events such as birthdays, anniversaries, baptisms, confirmations, thanksgivings, or in memory of a loved one.

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The Church of the Redeemer is blessed to have received special gifts from parishioners who wanted Redeemer to have permanent savings to care for our facilities and to supplement our pledge income.

Such permanent savings are often called an “endowment.” The endowed funds are permanently set aside by donors or by the Vestry. Some of our donors have specified uses for their endowment gifts. A limited portion of the funds is distributed each year to supplement our general budget. All funds are invested with professional advice.

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Your planned legacy gift to the Church of the Redeemer is a practical way for you to empower generations to come. It is a powerful witness of faith, love, and gratitude. This type of gift recognizes the heritage left by those who came before us and acknowledges that we bear a responsibility to the future faithful - to insure the continuation of God’s work within and beyond Church of the Redeemer.

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